


The Fire Within

by alifish1988



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Head Cannon, M/M, slight AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-03-12 19:50:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3353219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alifish1988/pseuds/alifish1988
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my Shepards story from Mindoir to post-game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is my Life

**Author's Note:**

> This work will mostly be in Shepards POV but Kaidan will have a few chapters. Kaidan and Shepard's relationship won't happen for awhile, still deciding if it will be SR1 or SR2.

John looks over at the group of his schoolmates and sighs, shoving his hands into his pockets he starts to walk in the opposite direction. The past two years have been hard, ever since his biotics manifested most of his friends want nothing to do with him saying he's dangerous, even his parents just want to hide him away especially after the accident with Tom. Only his twin sister Jane seems to understand and support him, she is the only reason why he hasn't acted on his self-destructive thoughts.

Lost in thoughts of how shitty his life is John's feet take the familiar path to the orchard, where he quickly climbs the old apple tree and hides among the blossoms. He pulls out his book and loses himself to a world of heroes. Eventually Jane finds him, she climbs up and settles down on the same branch.

"Hey." He says putting his book back in his pocket.

"Hey Johnny. Mom is looking for you, says some alliance guy wants to talk to you." Jane says.

"What about?" John asks.

"Don't know, mom just said it was important." Jane replies.

Smiling John picks a single apple blossom from the tree and gently weaves it into Janes red hair. "Alright let's go." He says then starts climbing down the tree.

They walk home in silence though Jane takes his hand in hers and gives a reassuring squeeze when they walk by their peers. Thankfully no one starts anything but they usually don't when Jane is with him. They manage to make it home without any incidents. Inside they find their mother and a man in an Alliance uniform sitting at the table with coffee. 

"Ah, here he is lieutenant." Hannah Shepard says.

"Thank you Mrs. Shepard. Now if you don't mind." the lieutenant says gesturing to the door. "I would like to talk to him in private." 

Hannah looks at the clock nervously. "Ok, just don't take too long." She says then leaves with Jane, though John is sure that she is just outside the door.

The lieutenant looks over at John and smiles. "Hello John my name is Matthew Roberts. The Alliance sent me after they received word of your biotic potential. We would like to help you learn to control and eventually benefit from your abilities." Matthew says.

At the word control John's head perks up, his full attention now on this Alliance soldier. "How exactly would you teach me to control it? He asks. 

"Well first we would want to give you an implant to help focus and amplify your abilities. Then someone with biotics will be station on the colony to begin teaching you mnemonic exercises, training you to control your nervous system thus gaining better control of your biotic abilities." Matthew explains.

"What kind of implant?" John asks

Matthew chuckles then turns around. John notices a slight scar on the back of his neck, he gasps when Matthew moves a flap of skin aside exposing what looks like a small plug in. John is fascinated wondering what you could plug into a human. After giving him a good look Matthew turn back.

"Most of the implant is set along the nervous system, the part on the back of the neck is where you plug in an amp. It is an intense procedure that needs to be done before the end of puberty to truly be effective, but it makes biotics a force that is truly useful instead of a burden." Matthew says.

Suddenly they hear the sound of someone yelling outside before the door bursts open. His father storms in looking furious, his eyes glance over John before locking onto Matthew.

"You get away from him." Kevin Shepard shouts. 

"Mr. Shepard there is no reason to yell. I am only here to help." Matthew calmly says.

"No, get the fuck out of my house. I will not have the Alliance come here and brainwash my son into becoming a guinea pig." Kevin shouts.

Matthew stands up and looks right at John. "We are not trying to brainwash anyone. We just want to help." He says then quickly leaves. 

One look at their fathers face sends John and Jane hurrying up to their room. The fight starts up just as John closes the bedroom door. The walls are too thin though to block out the sound of their parents voices. 

"Why the fuck would you get the Alliance involved Hannah." Kevin shouts.

"Kevin do you even pay attention to your son. He is depressed, he hardly eats or sleeps, he is always fighting at school and all his free time is spent up in those trees instead of out with friends like any normal kid. I will not stand by and watch my son waste away because of something he can't control." Hannah shouts back with just as much fervour.

"You don't get it women. They will take him away and chop open his head to study. I can not let that happen." Kevin yells.

Jane turns on the stereo loud enough to drown out the fighting before laying down on her bed. John joins her, resting his head on her shoulder. His mind goes back to what Matthew had told him, he hopes his father is wrong and the Alliance really does want to help.

"He said they can help me control it." John says quietly.

"That's great Johnny." Jane replies happily.

"I would have to get an implant put in my brain first though." John says unsure of what he thinks about that.

"Well I'm sure they would have doctors who know what they are doing and if it will help maybe it's worth it." Jane says.

"Yeah but that won't convince dad, you know how he hates the Alliance." John says sadly.

"I know Johnny." Jane replies then wraps her arms around him and runs her fingers through his dark hair. "We will think of something." 

The next day at school John spends most of his free time on a computer terminal looking up everything he can find about biotic implants. He has decided that if it's reasonable he is going to get one no matter what his father says. He hears someone come up behind him and snicker.

"That's only going to make you more of a freak than you already are." A kids says.

John turns around and glares at the boy. "Go away Jake." He says.

"No freak I go where I want and do what I want, and right now I want to use that computer. So why don't you disappear." Jake says making a shooing motion with his hands.

That was it with a yell John punches Jake in the face breaking his nose and knocking him to the ground. He climbs on top of him and starts hitting him again and again, unaware of the damage being done.

"John stop." Jane yells out.

Janes voice cuts through the haze in John's mind and he stops with his fist in the air. He looks down at Jake who is crying and trying to cover his horribly beaten face. John gets up and backs away while Jane helps Jake to his feet. Tom pushes his way through the crowd and helps Jake go to the nurse but not before glaring at John.

John stares at the gathering crowd his anger still boiling inside but under control. He starts to feel a tingling sensation and knows what is going to happen. He drops to his knees, grabs his head trying to control the flare. He see blue energy radiate from his body pushing everything in its path back. John closes his eyes and focuses his will on stopping. He feels someone place a hand on his chin, lifting his head up. Opening his eyes, John gazes into Janes bright green ones.

"It's ok Johnny. Just breathe." She says softly wrapping her arms around him. "You can do this."

John shuts his eyes and clings to Jane like his life depends on it and focuses on his breathing. Slowly the tingling fades and when he opens his eyes the only evidence of his flare is knocked over chairs and shifted tables.

"I can't keep going on like this." John sobs outs. "I have to get that implant or I might as well just kill myself and be done with it."

"Don't say that!" Jane says then forces John to look at her. "I don't want to hear you talking like that again, that's the cowards way out and you are not a coward."

John gives her a dirty look before standing up, he begins picking up chairs. After a few minutes he lets out a sigh. "Your right Jane. I think I am going to go to the Alliance outpost and talk to them, there has to be something they can do." John says quietly. 

"Ok I will deal with dad you take as long as you need." Jane replies.

John gives his sister a hug then hurries out only stopping at his locker to grab his jacket before heading out to the outpost on the outskirts of the colony. While walking he thinks on what he is going to say to the soldiers, before too long doubt begins to set in and he wonders if they can help him at all they are only regular soldiers. 

When John finally makes it to the outpost he is all but convinced that this is going to be pointless. He enters the building and is noticed by a group of soldiers playing cards at a table.

"Hey boy what are you doing here?" One of the soldiers asks in a gruff voice.

"I... I need to talk to lieutenant Roberts ." John asks nervously.

One of the soldiers points towards the back room before returning to his card game. When John passes the soldiers he hears them saying that he must be the freak the colonists have been talking about, John's anger begins to boil but he pushes it down knowing it would be stupid to start a fight with the soldiers. Scowling he goes through the door finding lieutenant Roberts at a desk his back turn to him. Above his hand three small balls are floating while he seems to be in the middle of a call. John clears his throat hoping to draw attention to himself without interrupting the call.

The lieutenant turns around noticing John then smiles. " I'll call you back Liz." He says then ends his call and makes the balls float down to the desk. "John is there something I can help you with?"

"I... um. I want to get that implant thing and learn to do what you were doing." John says in a rush.

"Ok I will need to talk to your parents and..." Matthew starts saying before John cuts him off.

"No. My dad won't let me, he doesn't trust the Alliance." John says anger touching his voice.

"Well that makes things more difficult but you are 16 and technically you can make these decisions yourself." Matthew informs him.

"Yes, yes I need this." John replies.

"I agree with you. Your abilities are far stronger than anything the Alliance has seen in humans thus can be a danger to yourself or others, but this is still a serious decision, it might ruin your relationship with your family." Matthew says seriously.

John thinks for a moment before speaking. "I love my family but this is my only chance at having any kind of life." He says solemnly. 

"Ok. You go home, I'll make some calls and make the necessary arrangements. It shouldn't be more than a day or two." Matthew says. 

John thanks Matthew then leaves hurrying home and hoping his father doesn't suspect what he has been up to. On the walk home he feels a great weight lifted from his shoulders, finally he is going to learn to control his abilities and maybe he won't be a freak anymore.

John hears his father yelling just as his house comes into view, he lets out a sigh the bounce in his step quickly fading then hurries inside. He closes the door behind him then looks up into his fathers furious face.

"Where the hell have you been?" Kevin asks. 

"I.. um. I went for a walk to calm down." John replies hesitantly.

"Stop lying to me boy. You know you are suppose to come straight home after one of your episodes. Now where were you?" Kevin asks again more forcefully.

Anger flares in John because his father just wants to hide his biotics in hopes that it will go away. "I went to Alliance outpost to talk about them helping me." He yells out.

"No fucking way. I won't allow it." Kevin shouts back.

"It's not your choice, I'm 16 and legally can make my own decisions." John spits out.

Kevin glares at his son but John just glares back challenging him. "Get out. Go and join the Alliance but you will not be living under my roof." He yells at John.

"I'm gone. This is my life and I'm not going to let a paranoid, controlling asshole tell me what I can and cannot do." John screams then storms out slamming the door behind him. 

Fuming John makes his way to the orchard wanting to calm down up in the branches and figure out what he is going to do now. At the old apple tree he grabs the lowest branch and pulls himself up, nimbly climbing to his favorite branch. John settles down then closes his eyes while exhaling. He inhales breathing in the sweet scent of the blossoms, calming him and allowing him to think more clearly. 

After a while John hears a rustling sound and looks down, watching his sister climb to a nearby branch. Once she is settled he smiles at her and holds her hand.

"You won't be coming back will you?" Jane asks.

"No." John quietly replies.

Jane turns her head trying to hide tears. "I should come with you." She manages to say.

"No." John says maybe a little to forcefully. "I'm not a fool Jane. The Alliance is going to help me but only because they can turn me into a weapon they can use. I can't let that happen to you to."

"Will you write to me?" Jane asks her voice crackling.

"Everyday." He answers.

They sit there quietly for a few moments before climbing down. Jane picks up a backpack lying in the grass and pushes it into John's hands. "It just some clothes and a couple things I thought you would want." She says then pulls John into a big hug. "I'm going to miss you."

"Same." John replies squeezing back. 

"I should get back before dad finds out I left." Jane says quietly.

"Yeah and I should go to the outpost and let Lieutenant Roberts know what happened." John says.

They grip each other's hands a moment longer before heading in opposite directions. John is sure there were tears in Jane's eyes but he also has tears in his, they have never been separated for more than a few days. He opens the backpack and pulls out a datapad filled with his favourite books and a picture of him and his sister, he smiles then notices a slight glint at the bottom of the bag and pulls out his sisters charm bracelet with a little note attached.

Johnny

I want you to have this, it's luck will help keep you safe out there. I know you don't believe but please keep it with you for me.

Jane

Tears fill Johns eyes as he puts the bracelet on his wrist, he silently vows never to take it off. He rubs his eyes then hefts the backpack onto his shoulders as he begins walking to the Alliance outpost and his new life.


	2. I Will Survive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning this chapter is extremely violent.

John wakes up feeling stiff and sore due to sleeping on a military bunk last night. Lieutenant Roberts told him he could stay here at the outpost until the SSV Einstein arrives, then he is off to Arcturis station to get his implant and start his training. He climbs out of bed, grabs his backpack and pulls out his toothbrush and a change of clothes then heads to the small washroom to shower and change. When John exits the washroom he heads to the mess hoping to find some breakfast.

John runs into lieutenant Roberts. "Good morning." He says.

"Good you're up. Come and have some breakfast then we are going to go outside and I will show you some simple exercises to begin your training." Matthew says.

"Ok." John says then looks questionably at the scrambled eggs in a frying pan or at least he thinks it scrambled eggs. 

A couple hours later John is sitting cross legged outside trying to make his biotics form a barrier around himself. He sighs as he fails to make anything happen, he looks up a Lieutenant Roberts who smiles at him.

"It's ok, I didn't think you would be able to make a barrier without an implant, but this exercise is good practice." Matthew says.

"Is it going to hurt Lieutenant?" John asks.

"No, but it will feel weird at first." Matthew replies before a loud explosion and the sound of gunfire cuts him off.

They both look up and in the distance where the colony's small spaceport would be they can see smoke rising up. Next thing John knows Matthew is dragging him back to the outpost and pushes him down onto a bed, he then begins putting armour on as the other soldiers begin filing out fully armed. 

"Wh... What is happening?" John asks shakily.

"The colony is under attack." Matthew replies as he attaches the last amour plate to his suit. "You need to stay here where it's safe."

"No, no I can't my family is down there." John cries out then tries to push his way past Matthew.

Matthew pushes John back down onto the bed. "Listen to me John, if you go down there you will be killed. I will go to your house and bring your family here." Matthew says sincerely.

Scowling John crosses his arms across his chest but stays put. He watches Matthew attach a pistol to his hip then grabs a small device not much bigger than a coin and attach it to the back of his skull. Matthew gives John's shoulder a squeeze before exiting the outpost and joining the group of soldiers heading to the colony.

John stays on the bed trying to ignore the sounds but slowly his fear begins to rise up until he feels he is choking on it. Before long the screams get to be too much to ignore, John rises to his feet and hesitantly heads towards the door. He looks down at the colony and starts crying, smoke is everywhere, his home is burning. John pushes his emotions down and begins walking towards his house, praying that his family is alright.

As John nears the colony he starts to see groups of aliens leading lines of people chained together. Another group was separating children from adults, he feels a lump form in his throat as he sees Jake, Tom and a group of his schoolmates get shoved into the group of kids. Jake falls and the aliens begin kicking him, he climbs to his knees crying and begging but is gruesomely cut off when an alien shoots him in the back of the head covering the ground with blood, bone and bits of brain. A high pitched wail rises up from the group of adults as a woman tries to force her way to Jake's body crying. Another shot rings through the air, the women falls to the ground and a pool of blood starts to form underneath her. John turns his head and hurries towards the buildings hoping to keep out of sight.

John passes the bodies of people he grew up around but refuses to let himself break down, his only goal is to find his family and get them to safety. With having to hide whenever a group of aliens come near it takes John almost until dark to get to his house and when he gets there his fear almost takes control. The front door has been blown off with some sort of explosive, when he gets inside he finds several dead aliens and a blood trail leading to his and Janes room. John hesitates at his rooms door afraid of what he is going to find inside. He grits his teeth and pushes the door open then lets out a cry of relief and despair. Instead of finding his sister inside he finds his father leaning against his bed covered in blood and a shotgun sitting beside him, one hand is holding a picture of him and Jane the other holding his stomach trying to stop the bleeding.

"Dad!" John cries running to his side, he picks up a shirt left on the floor and pushes it against his fathers wound while tears stream down his face. "Come on, we need to... We need to get you to the outpost Lieutenant Roberts should be able to help. He must deal with injuries all the time."

"John." Kevin says weakly. "Son what are you doing here? You are suppose to be safe." 

"I had to come find you guys." John says. "Where is mom and Jane?"

"They took them. I tried to stop them but there was too many." Kevin says trying to sit up, causing more blood to gush from his wound.

"Stay still we need to stop the bleeding." John says but deep down he can tell it's too late.

"Listen to me John I'm sorry about everything. I was just so scared of losing you. You are my son, my little boy and I just wanted what was best for you." Kevin struggles to say.

"I know dad." John replies then hugs his father.

"I need you to go back to the outpost. You must survive, promise me you will survive." Kevin quietly says.

"I promise." John sobs out.

"Good... I... Love... You." Kevin gasps then goes silent.

"Dad... Dad... Noooo." John cries out holding his fathers body.

John sit there crying into his fathers shoulder for a while, when he gets up it is fully dark out. He wipe his face then picks up the shotgun feeling a little safer with a weapon in hand. "I will survive." He mutters under his breathe then sets out.

John isn't as careful trying to leave the colony, in a way he hopes to run into some of the aliens that killed his father. His chance comes quickly when he turns a corner and runs into two of them. Their four eyes look surprised and that moment of shock is all John needs to lift up his gun and fire blowing one aliens head off. The second one tries to grab the gun but John quickly aims at him and pulls the trigger, blood splatters onto his face but the warmth in a way feels good. He smiles down at the headless bodies at his feet a feeling of power rushing through him. John's smile quickly fades when he feels the familiar tingling signalling a flare. 

"No not now." John whimpers looking around hoping to find somewhere to hide.

He spots an open window and tries to run to it but energy begins to radiate out from him lifting all manner of small objects but worst of all the bright blue shines out, a clear beacon to anyone around. It stops as quickly as it began but the damage is already done John can hear voices rushing towards him. He is quickly surrounded, he drops his gun knowing that it would be suicide to do anything else. An alien comes up to him gun raised, John drops to his knees with his hands behind his head trying to show that he isn't going to be a threat. There is a sharp pain in his head then everything goes dark as he falls unconscious.

John awakens to his head feeling like it is being split open, he moans in pain as his eyes open and find his mothers worried face. He blinks several times hoping that this is real. 

"Mom?" John says hesitantly. 

"Oh John I was so afraid they had killed you. All that blood." Hannah sobs.

"It's not mine. I... I killed two of them." He quietly replies.

"My baby." Hannah cries pulling him into her arms. "This wasn't suppose to happen."

John pulls away a bit so he can look at his surroundings, they are in a makeshift cage with about ten people no one he fully recognizes though. "Where is Jane mom?" He asks but fears the answer.

Hannah starts crying. "They took her away." She says.

John feels a pain in his chest at the thought that his twin sister, his other half is most likely dead. Tears start to fall from his eyes as everything comes crashing home, his father and sister are gone. He even cries for poor Jake, they may have hated each other but he didn't deserve to die the way he had. At some point John had curled up into his mothers arms with her whispering calming words in his ear until he ran out of tears. They both look up when they hear the sound of the cage being opened.

An alien with a vicious looking varren by his side looks over the group before his eyes settle on John. He grabs him by the arm and drags him out, his mother holds onto his other arm and follows them out screaming for them to leave her son. The alien just barks a command at the varren who immediately lunges at Hannah, it's jaws clamps down on her throat and easily rip through flesh and bone. John screams as his mother drops dead and the varren settles down with its meal. He is then grabbed by his hair and it is either follow quickly or be dragged.

John is forced into a vehicle with the alien sitting beside him. During the short ride John fights with his emotions knowing he will only survive if he can be cold and unfeeling, he can cry in a corner if he survives. When they arrive at their destination he calmly follows his captor out barely taking notice that they are at the orchard but most of the trees have been cut down. He is taken to a group of aliens surrounding something and cheering, his captor shouts out something in their weird language and soon a path is cleared and he can see what the commotion is about. In a large surround two colonists are viciously fighting to the death using teeth, nails and whatever that can find. 

When the fight is over the losers body is dragged over to a pack of varren and John can't help but shudder when the creatures begin to fight over it. He is then forced into the surround as well as a young man thankfully someone he doesn't know. Another girl with downcast eyes and skimpy clothing as well as a strange collar drops two knives on the ground.

"The masters have granted you the privilege of entertaining them. Win and survive or lose and die." The girl says then quickly leaves the surround.

John and his opponent look at each other then at the knives before they are both running as fast as they can. They both reach the weapons at the same time but the man manages to overpower him and get on top. He quickly brings his knife down aiming for John's eye, he just barely moves his head out of the way taking a deep cut on his scalp instead. Screaming in pain and rage John's biotics flare throwing the man off of him. He jumps on top and slashes at the guys throat cutting it open, blood sprays out covering him in hot sticky crimson. Shaking John drops his knife and stands up in a daze. The girl returns then guides him out of the surround and through the cheering crowd.

"You have pleased the masters and have been rewarded with your life, for now." The girl says while leading him to another cage.

John sits down on the floor and rests his chin on his knees his fingers fiddling with the charm bracelet that he is surprised to still have. Before long some food and water to clean with as well as drink is brought to him, he quickly washes then eats without tasting. He has survived and will do what he must to continue but when the opportunity to escape arises he will not hesitate. 

For three days Johns captors make him fight, for three days he has had to kill sometimes its people he knows sometimes strangers, he just kills and survives. He is sitting on the floor of a small cage on the third night trying not to think of faces or names. He has nearly passed out when the sound of gunfire and human voices wake him, then soldiers are running past his cage and firing on the aliens. John calls out to a passing soldier who stops and walks up to the cage.

"Civilian!" The soldier calls out then breaks the lock and open the cage door.

John takes the hand the soldier extends and is helped to his feet and guided out of the cage and into the arms of waiting medics. He breathes a sigh of relief as they begin to treat his many wounds. Before long they have him all bandaged up and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, another soldier leads him over to a fire surrounded by a small group of survivors. John huddles nears the fire trying to draw warmth while he scans faces and is disappointed that he doesn't recognize anyone. 

John's thoughts turn to what has happened to him in the past few days and soon tears are falling, he has survived but he is all alone. He looks at his wrist and the charm bracelet on it, more tears fall knowing that is all he has left of Jane. A hand is placed on his shoulder, John turns around and sees lieutenant Roberts.

"John, thank god I found you." Matthew says sounding relieved.

John just looks at him then looks down at his feet hoping that the lieutenant won't make him talk about what happened. Matthew frowns then sits beside him.

"Are you alright?" Matthew asks.

John shakes his head then mumbles that he doesn't want to talk about it. Soon more tears begin to fall as his mind is consumed with the horrors that he has seen and done.

"It's going to be ok, you are safe now." Matthews says.

"I survived that's all that matters." John whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long to do, but John didn't want to tell me what happened during the slaver attack. I won't try to predict when the next chapter will be, but rest assured I am not planning on abandoning this story.


End file.
